Po-TAY-to, Po-TAH-to

9 03 2012

Fair warning: this one’s inappropriate.  I didn’t realize it at first, but when your every conversation over a 6-week time period revolves around some aspect of sex, seeing that boundary becomes more difficult/  So please use your own discretion

Because the straight gynecology portion of my clerkship is almost over—I switch over to Gyn-oncology next week—it’s time for the obligatory post that you all probably suspected was coming.

Yes, this is the “Things-stuck-up-the-hoohah-that-should-never-be-stuck-up-the-hoohah post.”

Everybody has these stories, whether they are in the medical profession or not.  Many of the objects mentioned are believable things like hot dogs, vibrators, and cucumbers.  Others toe the line of fiction.

This story starts with a potato.

Truly, when I was told that there was a consult in the ED for a post-menopausal lady (in her 60s) with a potato up the vag, I had to do a double-take.  Turns out the potato had been there since the day before because she and her husband were too embarrassed to seek medical attention.  They went to the family doc first, but he couldn’t help them.

So how did the residents handle it?  They treated it like a teeny, tiny delivery, complete with the smallest set of forceps they could find.  And so the woman groaned while the resident told her to give her “a few more big pushes.”  Soon enough, there it was.

Baby boy potato, 297 grams, APGARs 8 and 9.

I hope you’re laughing right now, because I certainly was.

Perhaps the best part of this was that the entire episode took place shortly before lunch, and when the team wandered into the physician’s lounge to eat, they were serving potato soup.  No joke.  My chief resident was eating a bowl when two of the ED docs came in and, joking around, asked how fresh it was.

Fact:  Patient confidentiality means that the patient’s identity will be kept private, but if you do something like shove a potato up your bajingo, you can bet that story will spread through the hospital staff like wildfire.

Of course, the potato incident acted as a catalyst for the other residents to tell their craziest-thing-in-an-orifice stories.  Like I said, there are many.  My favorite from that day was the teenager who put a vibrator into her exit-only, with the kicker being that it was still turned on.  The resident said that she could actually feel the vibrations through her fingertips during the abdominal exam.

In case you are curious:  OB/GYN gets called for things in the ying-yang, general surgery gets called for things in the rectum.

There are lots of vibrator stories, as well as lightbulb stories, bar soap stories, pinecone stories, root vegetable stories, and (I cringe every single time I think about these) gerbil stories.  In either end.  Like I said before, though, some of the more far-fetched ones should probably be taken with a grain of salt.

So now you know that the potato stories are legitimate.




9 responses

10 03 2012

I couldn’t stop laughing!!!

13 03 2012

I bet the gerbil ones actually happened. There was an episode of South Park that involved such misuse of a gerbil, who goes on an epic journey to escape. Search for Lemmiwinks on YouTube. It’s actually very funny. A stupid drunk person watching might just be stupid enough to try it.

I found your blog through Dr. Amy’s and found it very interesting.

13 03 2012

I also have a potato story…Just something to think about. Did you know that if you leave a potato up your hoo-hah long enough it starts, “growing towards the light.” About three years after seeing that I can’t help but pass the produce section in the grocery store while me and my boyfriend snicker about what else we could grow in there. Seems like a good place to grow things.

15 03 2012

With some of the paramedics I knew, the story was a banana. Peeled. It broke off and the girls couldn’t get it out again by themselves….

16 03 2012

I have never been able to figure out how you get something the size of a potato stuck in your vagina. I mean, vaginas are only so deep. Are there women walking around with dilated cervices and THAT’S how potatoes get stuck?

I work in a Pathology lab, so we get to see all kinds of things that get pulled out of rectums (my favorite is the hairbrush with a broken condom), but I’ve yet to see anything that came from a vagina that shouldn’t have been there. I’m…a bit disappointed by that, actually.

A friend of mine who works in an ER once told be a story of a vibrator stuck in a rectum. A really pissed off woman walked in with her 90 year old mother, who was shaking really badly. They get to triage, and the daughter, in a tone that could cut glass, says, “Go ahead. Tell them what you did.”

“I-i-i-i–it’s stu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ck!”

16 03 2012

Oh, friend. You should Google image search female anatomy. If anything gets through the cervix, it’s in the uterus, and that’s really bad news. And I can only imagine the things you see in pathology! Great stories 🙂

17 03 2012

I know! But that’s the only explanation I can come up with for why one would need forceps to remove something from a vagina. I mean…a potato! A 297 gram potato! Shouldn’t one be able to just give it a good tug?

25 04 2012
Anya Tsent

Just found your blog and I’m in love. Applying for med look next year. Can’t wait for all the shenanigans (and you know, hard work, learning, saving lives ,etc, etc)

25 04 2012
Anya Tsent

Sorry. stupid autocorrect, *med school.

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